Jan 292020
 

December 2019, I broke up with my best friend for the past 20 years. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I spent 5 days and nights in NYC to get some alone time to write the following letter. She didn’t even bother to open it so I’m posting it up on my blog. I figure if she didn’t bother to read it then someone else may as well read it. To all the internet warriors out there, don’t bother her. I’ll take the post down when I know she’s taken the time to read it.

Dear Maki,

On January 1st, 2000, I wrote my last words to Karen and now I find myself doing the same thing 20 years later to the day.  I sincerely hope you take the time to read this.  You can hate me, you can cry, you can be upset but either way this is truly from the heart and it’s how I feel about you right now.  Funny, I’ve been staring at those three sentences for 2 nights now from my Time Square hotel.  I’ve been writing down notes for weeks on what to say but I didn’t think putting all of it together would be this hard.  :(  You might want to read the rest of this while you’re alone.  I’m sorry if it’s long winded but I need to get everything out since this will likely be the last time you hear from me.

2019 has been such a shitty year for me.  You bailed on me for New Years again, I lost $40k on the markets, I lost my job, I found out Karen got married and now I’ve lost you and the babies.  Of course you wouldn’t know since you never ask me if something’s bugging me.  You said we should spend some time apart and I was okay with that.  I told you to let me know when you’re ready but it’s been 10 months.  If you never intended for things to go back to how they were then you should’ve said so.  I wouldn’t have spent 10 months waiting for you like Fry’s dog Seymour.  I’ve kept my Saturdays free since in case you wanted to do something but no… nothing…

Unfortunately, 10 months is a lot of time for me to look back and reflect on our friendship and I have to ask.  Were we really friends?  Because now that I’m not looking at things through rose coloured glasses, I realized that for nearly 20 years, you’ve just been using me and just tossed me aside now that I’m no longer of any use to you.  Did you ever pay attention to me all those times I explained to you why I gave all of Karen’s things back?  If you did, you wouldn’t have done the same thing that she did to me.

As much as I always called Karen a bad friend, you’re worse than she was.  Karen, I gave her my heart but you as my best friend… I gave you my trust.  Giving away your heart is easy but it was very hard for me to trust anyone after what she did and you shit all over it.  Karen never took advantage of me.  Not only did you take advantage of me, you took advantage of my mom and you took adv…  well, you just straight up took from Colleen.  All she wanted to do was trade craft supplies and talk to you about crafting but you just took her washi tapes.  I was flabbergasted when you did that.  Seriously, it was vile.  The least you could have done was made her a Thank You card if you didn’t want to meet her but no…. everyone on the planet is just here to serve you in some way.

You said you forgot to make those cupcakes for my mom but I reminded you 10 months ago after I walked away.  That was the third time I reminded you.  Are you telling me that in 10 months, you couldn’t find an hour of your time to make some cupcakes for my mom who’s helped you on more than one occasion?  Forgetting once or twice is fine but I reminded you 3 times and still nothing.  That just tells me that you just don’t give a shit.  It’s been 4 years since she’s helped you resize those shirts.  At this point, your promises were just lies to keep me around so you can keep using me.  The cupcakes, telling me to save my Alaska points for New York, saying I should learn to swim for when we go back to Hawaii…  all lies…  The cupcakes don’t matter now anyways.  My mom put 2 and 2 together and somehow concluded that you stopped hanging out with me because I lost my job.  Even she thinks you were using me and I didn’t tell her anything.  You prided yourself in being Japanese and how Japanese always keeps their promises…  you should really be ashamed of yourself.

Speaking of my job.  I never told you but I lost it because of you.  I was so used to doing things for you that I didn’t even think twice about borrowing the company van to help you move storage locations so you didn’t have to rent one.  It wasn’t just me either, when management found out they fired me and the guy who lent it to me.  I had to call HR after and explain that it was all on me to get the other guy his job back.  I never bothered to tell you because I knew you wouldn’t care that you cost 2 people their jobs.  A little sympathy would’ve been nice but all I got from you was “That sucks balls”.  I wasn’t planning to go to Hawaii back in March, I was just so pissed off that I had to get away for a while.  I was only planning to go in June with Colleen and her husband and because of the job loss, that was up in the air.  Do you know how hard it is to get a job offer when you have vacation plans less than a month after the start date?  I know I’ve been there for 12 years and I was ready for something new but dammit, I wanted to leave on my own terms.  And because I was abruptly torn from the team, 3 others left shortly after leaving Hamid and 2 other team members to fend for themselves in a company of 1400.  Nice one….

I know I said I wasn’t mad but do you know how pissed off someone has to be to walk out on their own birthday?  I mean, did you even care?  Or were you thinking of yourself again?  Were you thinking “how dare he walk out on me?”  I was seriously disappointed that you didn’t txt or call, not even an email.  You showed absolutely no concern for me at all.  You never bothered to find out what was wrong.  Maybe it wasn’t me or you.  Maybe Kayleigh was in the hospital and I had to run out.  You just don’t care!  Did you ever care?  I’ve been telling you about my high blood pressure and I often get heart palpitations for the past 5 years and you’ve never asked me how that’s going.  You only kept bugging me to get my cough checked out because it annoyed you.  You didn’t even bother to say happy birthday.  It didn’t matter how pissed at you I was for losing my job, I still wished you a happy birthday.

Your mom understands how things work.  I didn’t have any problems covering the costs when we took her to the Festival of Lights and the tulip festival because she cooked dinner for us once in a while when we returned from our trips.  It’s give and take Maki, not just take, 50/50.  I feel terrible that I’ll never see your mom again.  She’s very kind and caring.  I hope she’s kept that photo of me and her at the tulip festival.

Even way back in the day, I would offer to drive you around.  I didn’t mind when you called me at 11pm for a ride from work.  I’d rather you get home safe and have a smoke than take a cab.  But you never showed your appreciation for it.  At the time, it didn’t bother me.  After Karen, I just wanted female companionship and you gave me that.  The day I met you I’d rather give you a ride home than let you take a cab.  For years, I was just the ride and I was okay with it.  It wasn’t until we started hanging out after leaving Annick and Danny’s place that it started to bug me.  Not when we used to drive around for hours in the West End looking at houses.  You know I like to drive around for no reason.  It was when we started playing pool.  I was always the one paying, even when I was $30k in debt and between jobs before I started at Seaspan, I was paying.  I was more broke than broke, paying one credit card with another and you still expected me to pay.  One time, I forgot my wallet and you were pissed that you had to pay for once.  I really should’ve known, you always bragged about how you never had to pay for a drink in a club.  I really should’ve listened to Danny when he told me I should stay away the day after we met but I was in a pretty bad place when I met you.  Did you know that I wasn’t even invited to their wedding because you didn’t like me?  I didn’t get the invite until you gave the okay.  Seriously, who are you to dictate who they can invite to their own wedding?

You didn’t even offer to help me when we drove to Portland and I blew that tire.  You were just pissed that you were inconvenienced on your free vacation.  I know you can’t help me change a tire but you could’ve at least help me watch the cars and warn me but no…..  You just stayed in the car where it’s warm and comfortable instead of looking out for my safety.  The next day, I quietly snuck out to get the tire replaced while you slept.  I left a note in case you woke up but you were still sleeping when I returned.  I let you sleep in because I know you’re always getting up early to feed the babies.  When you woke up, I gave you the good news that I replaced the tire and we can resume our vacation as planned.  Instead of being happy about it, you yelled at me for letting you sleep in and wasting vacation time.  Why do you have to crap on everything, I never used to be cynical.  I used to be the happy guy who always laughed.  You made me this way, you’re just never happy with the things I do.  And why the hell did you choose Portland of all places.  You knew that I was just there 2 months prior to see Sabrina.  I didn’t want to go back there so soon.  You were never supposed to be deciding where we should go.  The whole idea was I would plan my vacation and if you were interested in coming with me then I would use my annual companion fare to get you there but at some point you started picking places for me.  I didn’t mind at first but then you started picking places I just visited and saying no to places that I wanted to go to and expecting me to pay for it.

You said that Boston was a great trip but that’s not how I remember it.  I really hated that trip.  It wasn’t even where I wanted to go in the first place.  You didn’t help me plan it and you complained when I told you what the plans were.  You were throwing pillows at me when I was trying to sleep.  Who complains so much about a trip that they contributed nothing towards?  How am I supposed to talk to you when you’re constantly walking ahead of me and sitting in a different row on the tour bus?  I was so close to just getting off the tour bus and driving back to the hotel when you sat 2 rows behind me.  Every time I had something to comment on, I would turn around and you’re nowhere to be seen, you’re like 20 feet away from me.  The whole reason why I went to NYC so soon after Boston was because I had such a shitty time with you that I need to go and take a real vacation.  The place I wanted to go in the first place.  It wasn’t a spontaneous trip like I told you, I booked it 2 weeks after we got back.  Did it ever occur to you that it was my vacation too?  If you didn’t want to go to NYC, you should’ve just said so and stayed home.  But noooo, you made me change my entire vacation plan instead.  Why on earth did you tell me to save my points for when we go to NYC when you never intended to go there with me…. Right… more lies to keep me around so you can take advantage of my generosity.  Remember that trip to San Francisco?  We were leaving San Jose airport in the Mustang and you didn’t like what was on the stereo.  You started playing what you wanted to hear at full blast on your iPhone….  WHO DOES THAT??!?!??!?!  OMG, I expect that kind of crap from a 12 year old… not from a 39 year old… why do you have to be so selfish?!?!?!??!  Remember when we went to watch Vivaldi’s 4 seasons?  You didn’t like the seats I chose.  I had to spend another $200 for new seats that you did like.  You could’ve just told me where you wanted to sit in the first place instead of wasting my money like that.

Who knows how many 10’s of thousands of dollars I spent so you wouldn’t be bored, I’ve never kept track unlike Danny.  Always cooking dinner, taking you on vacation, driving you around, etc…  I never expected for you to do the same.  You didn’t have to take me somewhere to show your appreciation.  Simple acts would’ve sufficed.  Like when I tried to surprise you with that heat tool because we drove around to all the Tuesday Morning stores in Las Vegas looking for one and we couldn’t find it.  Or like when I was at the Star Trek convention in Vegas and bought you a shirt that you might like.  You could’ve surprised me by having that beer I like in the fridge, finding me a good pineapple once in a while or even a good cheesecake.  A long time ago, you did surprise me with San Pellegrino Blood Orange soda.  You said you bought it for me and I was really happy that you did.  That was the one time that you made me feel appreciated.  I didn’t mind picking up groceries for you.  It’s not about the money, you know that.  It would’ve been nice if you offered to pay me back.  I would’ve told you not to worry about it but you were just expecting me to pay for it.  That’s what bothered me.  I didn’t care that I went out late at night to get you ice cream or French fries and I didn’t mind that I went around to dollar stores during my business trips to find you crafting stuff.  I was happy to go around Las Vegas to look for those kitty cat earrings when I was supposed to be there to cheer for Joyce in the marathon….  But you never really did anything for me in return.  Anything would’ve been nice.  Instead, you got pissed at me for sending you a picture of my niece because it took up space on your phone…  a phone that I GAVE YOU   >.<

When was the last time we did something you didn’t want to do without you complaining about it?  I mean, I hated Rock Band and Guitar Hero.  When we split from Danny and Annick, I thought we would never have to play that again but you went and bought those guitars.  I didn’t protest because I know you loved it and that’s all that mattered to me.  I even went and found all the games that could be played with the guitars.  We kept playing for weeks, months and years until the guitars broke.  I never complained that my wrist hurt, I never complained that I had a bone out of place in my hand.  I didn’t care because that’s what made you happy.  But every time we went to do something I wanted to do, you did nothing but complain.  I actually wanted to check out Provincetown, I only said it wasn’t as good as I thought because you kept complaining about it.  So we left without fully checking it out…

I have kept every promise I made to you.  Through thick and thin, good times and bad times, I have stuck with you.  I’ve always told you everything.  We were best friends and best friends don’t keep secrets but you feel the need to keep things from me.  I had to find out about your new job from watching your channel.  It was the only way I could see how the babies are doing.  I can’t believe you would rather tell the entire internet instead of me.  No matter how much I do for you, replacing your garburator, your faucet, pressure washing your deck, unclogging your drain, cooking all the time so you could save some money and pass it on to the babies….  You never made me feel like a true friend…  I was just the ride who cooked, cleaned and paid for your vacations.  I hope you enjoyed the free vacations and eating filet mignon and prime rib that I made all the time.  When your maid ghosted you, I thought I’d help you out a little more around the house but what do I get for it?  You unfriend me on Facebook a few months ago!  You’re always saying that I’m too nice but that doesn’t mean you can use me like that.  All I do is give and give but you just take and take.  Everything is always about you.  I can’t even listen to what I want in my own car.  I had to remove the fuse to my passenger seat because you keep complaining about people moving your seat.  I always just tell people that the seat is broken because I’d rather put up with their complaints once in a while than your constant bitching whenever someone moves it.  Your constant complaints and criticisms make me feel like I can’t do anything right

I was always there for you and you always came first but you never put me before yourself.  When we were leaving Vegas and Mike was being a douche, I took you in my car.  I never complained when you changed the radio station.  I didn’t care that you threw up in my car and it got all over me, that didn’t matter.  All that mattered was you.  I took you to a gas station so you could clean yourself up and took you home.  I checked up on you a few hours later to see how you were doing and I didn’t even start cleaning my car until I knew you were okay because you came first.  When your dad got sick, you were my priority.  It didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing, I would drop everything and came to you whenever you needed me.  I drove you to and from the hospital, you cried on my shoulder.  We’ve been through so much together.  We’ve lost friends, we quit smoking together and we almost died together on our way to Ray’s funeral.  Everything we’ve been through the past 20 years, I’ve always been there for you.  That time you felt like shit for forgetting the anniversary of your dad’s passing, I was ready to leave half way through a family dinner to be there for you because that’s what friends do.  They show up when things are hard.  I can’t say you’ve done the same for me.  When things got hard, you took the easy way out because in 10 months you’ve done nothing to try to make things right.  You would rather just not talk to me and hang out with your new friends.  I had 2 grandparents pass away in recent years and you weren’t there for me.  I’ve always offered you my shoulder to cry on.  I know I don’t cry but you never offered your shoulder.  You were more concerned whether I would get back from the funeral in time so you wouldn’t miss the sales at Hobby Lobby.  You actually made me feel bad enough for being away that I went to 5 different Target stores in Sacramento to find you those cups that you wanted to surprise you when I got back.  Yes, you actually made me feel bad for ditching you to go to a funeral.  I thought you changed after your dad passed away but I guess I was wrong.  This princess thing has to stop.

I’ve always defended you and took your side.  Whenever Danny was planning to chew you out for your bitchy attitude, I would convince him not to.  I’m also tired of apologizing for you.  That waitress at East Side Mario’s that cried because you didn’t give her a tip?  I gave her $20 and apologized.  I apologized to the US border guards that chewed you out because you didn’t have the respect to get off the phone when they’re talking to you.  I apologized to the hotel staff at the Rhode Island hotel when we left because you just said out loud that they have roaches and walked away.  Why are you like that?  I didn’t mind chewing people out when I know you were in the right like when I was yelling at the guy at the old storage place.  I chewed out and stopped hanging out with Tommy after that dim sum incident where it was just the two of us at a table for 12.  I always gave you the benefit of the doubt and blamed your friends for leaving you but I guess I was wrong.  Have you ever tried to make things right with them?  Or were you just waiting for them to reach out.  I mean, you’ve known Christina since elementary so she must’ve meant a lot to you.  You must’ve done whatever it took to get her back and set things right?

Let me guess, you probably had the lock on your storage locker cut than try to make things right.  This is what I’m talking about when you don’t put effort into your friendships.  Yes, I was ignoring you but you have my home number, you know where I live, you know where I work.  So many ways to talk to me, all it took was a little effort but you didn’t even bother.  If you wanted to get a hold of me and try to fix things, you could have.  The fact that you didn’t means that you don’t.  Cutting that lock is a metaphor for cutting me out of your life and it was easier for you do that instead of putting in some effort and make things right.  That’s so typical for you, you would rather take the easy route.  I mailed you all your keys back so I hope the keys reached you before you did cut it.  That’s what really pushed me over the edge Maki.  When you told me not to worry about your Christmas decorations, it either meant that you were either not going to decorate which wasn’t going to happen or you were just going to cut the lock off.  Your locker was the only reason left to ever see me and you’d rather just cut the lock off.  That’s when it became a mad rush for me to give everything back to you.  You didn’t want to do anything anymore, you were always turning me down until you needed me to get your Halloween decorations.  That was the last time I saw you.  You pushed me away.  That’s what Karen did to me.  That time we went for dim sum in 2014, you said you felt nothing for me.  That I knew but I didn’t think it applied to our friendship as well.

Speaking of the last time we saw each other, you looked different.  Maybe I’m not used to you wearing makeup, I always preferred you without it.  Your upper lip didn’t move naturally and it bugged me.  It’s like you’ve had Botox injections.  If you did, I’m profoundly disappointed in you.  I never thought you would go against your principals on animal testing.  You’re always preaching about animal rights but it’s okay when it benefits you.  What’s next?  Are you eating chicken and pork again?  For the record, I always preferred you without makeup.  I never made fun of your acne or your lack of eye brows.  You looked fine the way you were because that was the real you.

I’m not doing this because you’re seeing someone.  I’m doing this because you keep pushing me away, that’s what Karen did to me and you did it to me too.  I never kept things like that from you but you felt the need to keep them from me.  It makes me feel like you found some shiny new toys to play with and threw the old one in the trash.  You should’ve told me that you were seeing someone a lot sooner.  Best friends tell each other these kinds of things.  I’ve always told you whenever I went on a date with someone.  Hell, you even met Lillian.  When I thought you were mad at me, that was the first time I realized that you wouldn’t be around forever.  That was when I went on those dates with Tiffany, Kathy and Lillian.  I was looking for a backup in case you really were mad at me.  They didn’t work out because I realized that I’m old fashioned and I believed that the one you spend your life with should also be your best friend.  My problem was I already had a best friend.  Realizing that, I gave up on dating until you were no longer my best friend.  Looks like that day has finally come.  Maybe I can finally find someone that’s both a best friend and a partner….  But it won’t be here… 2 years ago, I told you that if I ever lost everything that I would move to California and douche it up on my inheritance.  By everything, I meant you and the babies.  You were everything to me.  I’ve always told the women I dated about you and the things we did, they always seemed to have a problem with our friendship.  Lillian actually asked me that if I had to choose between you and her.  I chose you.  That’s why we she disappeared shortly after.  When I asked if you already replaced me, you didn’t feel like you did.  If you’re hanging out with other people all the time instead of me then yeah… you replaced me.

I wasn’t depressed those couple of weeks because I thought you were mad at me.  I was depressed because it broke my heart that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me what was bothering you.  Because of that I thought I was going to lose you.  You didn’t tell me what’s going on so I didn’t know how to help.  That’s why I smoked several packs of cigarettes that week and drank a few bottles of vodka.  I didn’t know what I was supposed to do without you.  That’s why I tried dating again in case I did lose you.  I know you’ve never seen me cry but during those couple of weeks, I did… a lot… turns out the only thing that could make me cry was the thought of losing you.  Since that time, I knew we would part ways one day and I knew it was either with one of us in a hospital bed or a knight in shining armor would come and take you away from me.  I told myself if that happened, I wasn’t going to protest and I wasn’t going to fight for you because I just wanted you to be happy.  Never did I think it would be because I’m so pissed at you so don’t worry, I’m not smoking or drinking this time.  I did try to cry but I got nothing.  Not a tear… Maybe after I hit the send button?  I always imagined parting ways with you would hurt more than a divorce but being super pissed has made this easy for me.  I’m feeling anger that I haven’t felt in 20 years.  After Karen, I thought I was pissed enough for a lifetime.  That’s why I’m so mellow most of the time, who would’ve thought you’d be the one to trigger it again.  I’ve stopped working out and put on weight ever since I thought you were mad at me, maybe this time I’ll use my anger to get myself back into shape.

Believe it or not, I do have fond memories.  Memories that I now have to try to forget.  I enjoyed watching the babies grow up.  The first time little Pudding fell asleep on my lap and little Biscuit climbing up my leg with his claws.  Things were much better when you actually contributed.  Like when we started out just the two of us.  You found some guitars, I found a bunch of games…. We would both buy vouchers for escape rooms and various other events.  I kept trying to find things to do so you wouldn’t get bored.  I guess that must have exhausted you because you said that we didn’t have to go out every weekend and that you were just as happy hanging out at home.  Maybe I took that a little too literally because we rarely went out after that.  We just stayed in and played video games.  Yah, I hated playing Rock Band and Guitar Hero but it made you happy so I didn’t mind playing it with you.  I even got pretty good at it.

I know you hated it there but your 35th birthday in Waikiki was the best day I ever had.  We hiked up Diamond Head, you tried to teach me to swim, we had our first taste of Ruth’s Chris where we had the best steak ever, we played some video games and for some reason, you decided to sleep in my bed next to me despite making such a stink during check in for a second bed.  I didn’t plan to only have one bed.  I originally booked the trip for myself so the room I chose only had one bed.  I didn’t buy your plane ticket until you decided to come with me and by the time you did, the hotel was booked up.

I had a great time in LA and Vegas for Halloween.  I loved it when we used to drive around looking at houses we couldn’t afford until the sun came up or until you fell asleep.  We would drive all the way to Abbotsford to look up at the stars, we never seem to see any meteor showers or northern lights.  A few times, we just drove to Whistler in the middle of the night.  Sometimes you had a bad day at work and you just wanted to drive around and smoke when I came to pick you up.

That time you said “I Love You”, I should’ve just kissed you instead of asking if you were talking about the Maui ribs I was bringing.  I always beat myself up for saying that because things changed that day.  Before that, you used to sit so close to me.  You used to pick the fur that was stuck to my shirt.  You used to smile at me more.  Things just got really awkward after.  You stopped letting me sleep over when it got too late or if I drank too much.  If I did the wrong thing, I’m sorry.  It’s just that you’ve been shutting me down since the day we met so I gave up and was just trying to be the best friend I could be.  You really just caught me by surprise and I didn’t know what to say.  Especially since it wasn’t that long after I thought you were mad at me.  I didn’t want to upset you.  I did try to get you to say it again, I figure if you did say it to me, you would say it again.  That time I showed up with Twinkies on Valentines, I really did pick them up the night before in Bellingham.  I just wanted to make sure that I didn’t let you down and that I did the right thing.  I have to admit that, there were times I wanted to say it but then you would do something selfish or say something racist that would snap me back to reality.  Just as well, I can’t say those words anyways.  I said those words to 2 people in my life and things fell apart shortly after.  Things didn’t go back to normal until 2016.  That’s when I noticed something else.

There was a point I noticed you stopped telling people we were just friends.  You used to correct people like no tomorrow but you just stopped one day…. You even smiled at an Alaska Air agent when he said, “He’s a keeper”.  It’s a huge contrast from when you angrily corrected the waitress in Hawaii when she thought we were married which I found quite funny.  I don’t know why you stopped doing that.  I don’t know if you got tired of doing it, no longer saw me as a friend or saw me as more than a friend.  You were never clear about it.  You were very clear when you kept telling me no but if you changed your mind, you never said so and I never got the message.  Hell, you even called me “honey” a couple of times and put your head on my shoulder on the airplane.  You really confused me and I didn’t want to take the chance of losing my best friend if I was wrong.

I was happy to share the best pineapple ever with you.  I’ve never had a better one since and I don’t think I can eat pineapple again after this.

Alas, as good as those memories were, I need to forget.  I’ve deleted all your texts, all your emails, all the pictures of our vacations and all the pictures of the babies.  The failed pinecones, Pudding and Biscuit’s baby photos, Bonnie Screams, Queen Mary, Disneyland…. All gone  :(  It wasn’t easy…  if I’m reminded of the good times, I’ll remember all the bad times.  I’m also selling the MR2.  I originally planned to restore the car so we could take it on a road trip.  I started working on it 2 years ago but I never told you.  I wanted it to be a surprise.  Now it looks like it’s not going to happen.  I only kept it this long because you loved that car but I can’t look at it.  It reminds me too much of the times we spent in it.  Strands of your hair are embedded in the seats and it still smells of the cigarettes we shared in it.

I went to Hobby Lobby for the last time a few weeks ago.  I can’t go there anymore.  When I found what I was looking for, I went to the paper section to look for you expecting you to be standing there smiling back at me.  It took me a few moments before I realized that you wouldn’t be there.  I even don’t like driving anymore, every time I look over at your seat, you’re no longer there sleeping.  I never did understand how you can sleep sitting upright with your neck bent like that.  Soon, the only reminder of you is the scar on my left forearm where I burned myself in your oven while I was making you filet mignon for dinner.  That scar will fade away with time.

I’m absolving you from all the promises you’ve made.  I can’t think of a single promise you kept anyways.  This of course comes at a cost, everything in life has a cost and I’m the price you paid.  I hope it was worth it.  You pissed off the guy who never gets angry at anything.  The guy you’re always saying is too nice.  A word of advice on how to treat your new friends.  Don’t mess with their radio, don’t walk faster than them and don’t say you’re always right.  Be more humble.  Did you ever tell your new friends about me?  Or were you too ashamed because I don’t look like the type of person you would typically hang out with?  This isn’t high school, I have feelings too.  Did you ever think to introduce us?  Maybe I would’ve like to hang out with them too once in a while like with Christina.  It’s like whenever you put on makeup, you’re a whole other person and you don’t want to be seen with me.

I’m devastated that I’m not going to see the babies again but I’m just taking that a day at a time.  The babies barely seemed to remember me so I’m hoping they’re not too hurt by this.  I know I never say it but I do love them dearly.  I’m sure you’ve already done this but please give your condo to Mako, the babies wouldn’t remember me anyways.  You’ve probably already removed me as the emergency contact, I don’t want to be called for anything having to do with you.  Over the summer, I removed you as the beneficiary of my accounts already but I did leave you on 50% of my life insurance.  In the event of my death, you will be reminded again of how you treated me and what a nice generous guy I was.  I know you pushed guys away but I never thought you would do that to me as well.

Part of me thinks that you didn’t even realize that you were using me.  With all the friends you’ve lost over the years, you probably think it’s normal because I don’t think any of them really told you why.  So it’s in your nature…. It’s who you are so don’t apologize unless I’m wrong and you feel a shred of remorse, a morsel of humility and an ounce of regret.  Never apologize for who you are.  Instead, you should own it and be the biggest bitch you can be.  Hopefully, now that I’ve told you why I’m doing this, you can take that and be a better person.  I always give people chances to realize that what they’re doing is wrong but if you don’t know it’s wrong, how can you change?

Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if we actually had a fight once in a while.  We never fought, I was always the one to back down and let you have your way when I sensed that something was bothering you.  Instead letting the air out of the balloon once in a while, it just kept inflating until it just popped  :(  I’ve never let you see my bad side.  You’ve never seen me truly pissed off.  Remember the time we were playing pool and I didn’t say much.  I just kept on winning and kept my mouth shut instead of letting you win half the time like I normally do?  I was pretty pissed with you for spewing some racist shit about nuking China.  I should’ve told you that shit wasn’t cool but instead, I apologized the next day for treating you like that and said that I was upset about work.  Really, where did you get this racist attitude from?  You grew up in Canada, you should know it’s wrong and unCanadian.  Every time you say something like that in the car, I wanted to just pull over and tell you to GTFO but no, I always let you have your way.  I know when people are joking about this stuff but you say it like you mean it and it’s always bothered me.  I’ve always shielded you from my bad side because I never wanted to hurt you… well, congratulations… you’ve done it… you pissed off the guy who never gets upset.

Don’t bother replying.  After all your broken promises, your words have no meaning anymore.  Nothing short of a grand gesture will fix this and I’m not expecting you to.  You’re too self-centered and lack the humility to do something like that.  You know where to find me if you actually wanted to talk but I don’t expect you to put in that kind of effort.  You never do.  You’re probably expecting me to extend the olive branch.  You always do what’s easiest.  I’m not expecting to see you on my lawn holding a boom box and I’m not expecting to see you in Orlando this month waiting for me to show up at the Haunted Mansion.  All of this could’ve been avoided if you would’ve just spent an hour to make some cupcakes for my mom like you said you would but apparently, I wasn’t even worth an hour of your time.  

Please say goodbye to your mom and your sister for me.  Tell them I’m sorry if they’re affected by this.  They’ve never done me wrong.  Who am I kidding, you probably not going to do it.  You’re too embarrassed to tell them that you lost yet another friend.  One they thought would always be there no matter what.  You must be used to losing friends by now but it must still hurt and for that, I’m sorry.  Unless you drastically change, I don’t think I can hang out with someone who uses people like this. 

It wasn’t long ago that I would’ve been happy to do anything for you but now…  I honestly wish we never met.  That’s why I gave everything back to you.  I didn’t want anything in my life to remind me of us and the times we shared.  Every time I looked at that stuff, it was all Birthday or Christmas presents and I see them as you just doing the bare minimum to keep me around and continue to use me.  None of that stuff was given to me just because or you saw it and thought I might like it.  You gave it to me because you felt like you had to.

My last words to Karen were for her to not say hello, not to look at me or even smile at me if she sees me in a crowd and I wish for you to do the same.  I’m sorry if this hurts but for once in almost 20 years, this isn’t about you.  I need this to be about me for once.  By now, you’re probably thinking of ways to get back at me for this.  I understand you’re probably upset but getting back at me would be really petty.  After using me for almost 20 years and costing me my job, you’re still thinking of how to hurt me some more?  For once, put someone ahead of yourself.

You hurt me Maks, you really did.  More than Karen ever did.  After Karen, it was really difficult for me to trust anyone but I gave you my trust.  I trusted you and you crapped all over it.  Ever since it was just the two of us, everything I did was for you and the babies.  You three were all I knew.  And this is what I get for it.  I was one of the oldest friends you kept but you used me and treated me like shit.  You’re like a one woman wrecking ball that ruins the lives everyone you come across, especially the ones closest to you.

Even after all this and the way you treated me, I still just want you to be happy and if you being happy means that you no longer have to push me away and not having me around anymore then so be it.  You don’t have to push me away anymore.  At least you can’t hurt me and use me anymore.  If I meant anything to you then do something… ANYTHING to show that you weren’t just using me.  PROVE ME WRONG!  Go find me at the top of Diamond Head, The Empire State Building or just show up at my front door.  I’ll make this easy so you don’t have to guess.  Every year on your birthday for the next 5 years, you’ll find me at the bar in Ruth’s Chris in Waikiki at 8PM mourning the loss of my best friend if you actually want to find me and show me that you cared about me at all.  After that, I’m moving to California and I’ll be gone for good.  You called me your best friend.  If that wasn’t a lie then you should be jumping through hoops to fix this instead of making me feel like I’m nobody to you.  If not and you take the easy path again then this is goodbye and I leave you with the last thing you said to Annick.  Have fun with your new friends.

Your Latest Victim,

Bao Li

PS, if you care about these new friends of yours, you should really let them read this email.  They’re true friends if they decide to stick around after finding out the type of person you really are.  Please don’t waste 20 years of someone else’s life.  You should at least learn from this and not treat people the way you do.  Especially your friends.  I was supposed to be your best friend yet you took me for granted.  You used me, cost me my job and pushed me away when things got rough.  You’ve lost way too many friends since I’ve known you, much more than normal people should.  I knew how you could be but I still stuck by you all these years because I thought I saw something in you that others didn’t.  I guess I was mistaken and I was the one who didn’t see what others did.  Now which way to the Survivors Of Maki Kitani Support Group.

From: Bao Li <bao@li-mail.ca>
Sent: Wednesday, March 27, 2019 3:51 AM
To: jezebel1490@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Because reasons…

I know I’m not great at communicating, especially when it comes to sharing my feelings.  Like Captain Picard, I’m a private man.  It doesn’t matter I’m happy or upset, I don’t show it.  I express emotion as well as a pet rock.  I often don’t have a lot to talk about either.  I live a relatively simple life.  My week is pretty much go to work, go home and come to you and the babies.  You and the babies are my highlight of the week so pretty much the only things I have to talk about are things I do with you.  When I do have something else to talk about like my trip to NY, you didn’t seem very interested or you would shoot it down.  I also often don’t say anything because I just didn’t want to disturb you.  You’re either focused on your videos or you’re asleep.

Last year, I tried watching some crafting videos so we would have something to talk about.  I didn’t expect Youtube to recommend a video where I recognized Pudding.  I didn’t bring it up because I just figured you would tell me about it when you’re ready.  I thought you’d ask me for technical help or something but you never did so I figured you just want to do it on your own.

I know I can’t read women well but I could read you.  I could tell a while ago that you wanted something I couldn’t provide.  I could tell you wanted girlfriends again.  I was going to see if you wanted to go out with them on Saturdays once in a while and I would stay and watch the babies so they can go outside.  I don’t know why I never ran that by you.  I didn’t mind dropping you off and pick you up that time you went to your friend’s birthday party.  The babies had a good time outside, I had to gather them in before I went to pick you up.  When I was looking after them, Biscuit would stay out to 7AM and when you told me I can’t stay til 4 anymore, all I could think of was poor Biscuit can’t stay out late anymore… lol

We used to be so close.  I was honestly really worried when we started out just the two of us but we eventually found our groove.  I didn’t think we would last a year but we grew closer.  I used to scramble before every weekend to find something to do around town and we’d have a lot of fun.  We used to play all night, go to sleep and play some more before I had to get home for dinner.  You used to sit a lot closer to me while we were watching a movie.  Sometimes we’d share the blanket because Biscuit went outside and left the door wide open.  There was one weekend in early 2015 and you had a pack of Maui ribs defrosting in the fridge, I can’t remember what we were doing but we got back late so we got McDonald’s instead of cooking.  We played for a few hours before going to sleep.  The next day, we played in the afternoon when you were done cleaning and kept playing til we got hungry.  You called your Mom to tell her not to come over while I cooked the Maui ribs.  You sat down at the table and as I brought out the ribs, you said “I love you” like it was a sigh of relief.  Being caught off guard knowing that you’d never say that to me, I asked if you said that to the beef ribs.  After I said that, you looked so let down and I didn’t know how to fix it.  I didn’t make Maui ribs for a long time after that.  The rest of 2015 was so awkward and it wasn’t until 2016 that things went back to normal.  I’m not saying we have to get back to that point, something better than the past year would be great.  I guess I just thought things would get better but I didn’t try hard enough to fix it.

My address is 2551 E51st Ave, V5S 1P8 if you want to send it or you can just hang on to it if you want  to see my reaction.  I’ll be back and I’m not going anywhere.  I didn’t leave in anger, I left because I thought it would save what we have.  You’ve been the only constant in my life for almost 20 years now so I’m not giving up on us that easily.  We weren’t talking so I figured if I do something crazy, it would get us talking and give us some time to reset.  I know we have to work on a few things and I’ll try my best to be more talkative and be more open.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do without you and the babies anymore, for the longest time, you’re all I’ve known.  I just hope Pudding and Biscuit don’t forget me while I’m gone.

Take your time and let me know when you’re ready.

From: Maki K <jezebel1490@hotmail.com>
Sent: Monday, March 25, 2019 3:47 PM
To: Bao Li <bao@li-mail.ca>
Subject: Re: Because reasons…

My apologies for the lateness of my reply.  I was thinking all weekend about how to respond.  As you know, my sister comes over on Sunday afternoon so I didn’t really have a chance to respond until now.

First off, you’re right.  I said I would do certain things and have not followed through on them and for that, I’m truly sorry.  Honestly, I just forgot but that’s not an excuse.  If there’s something I can do to make up for that lapse, please let me know.

So, you’re right.  I haven’t been happy in a long while.  If ever we have a conversation, it’s usually because I start them and quite frankly, I got kind of tired of it.  I’m sure you’ve noticed the long periods of time of silence….that’s because I was waiting for you to start a conversation with me.  But, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings by bringing it up to you because the last time you thought I was mad at you, you smoked a whole pack of cigarettes and that’s really stuck with me.  

The truth is, I missed going out and socializing.  I missed having girlfriends.  You know, I lost Annick and Christina within a couple of years of each other and at first, I thought I was okay with it, but the more time that passed, the more I missed their friendships; so when I met people who share the same interests as me, I jumped in with both feet and if I made you feel like I left you behind, again, I’m sorry.  

With respect to my canceling, I’m not sure how it came to be that we would spend every Wednesday together.  I know it started with trivia and that was fine but then when that was over, you still wanted to come over every Wednesday and I felt like I didn’t have a say because again, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.  As you know, I have very little time to myself and I was always canceling because I really wanted that time to do what I wanted to do.  Aside from the occasional drinks out with a friend (Wednesdays is best for her), I usually just want the time to myself.  It’s not you, it could be anybody, I just want to be alone.

That said, I think it would be best if we spent a little time apart.  I think it would be good for both of us.  I feel like we’ve been kind of stuck and life is so short, we should make the most of the time we have.  Also, with us not seeing each other every weekend, we would have more to talk about when we do see each other 🙂

I am really sorry we’ve come to this point.  I think if we were both better at communicating, we probably wouldn’t have dragged this out so long.  I haven’t been a very good friend to you and you deserve better than that.  

Finally, I have your birthday present and I would really like you to have it as I think it’s something you would truly enjoy.  I actually was really excited to give it to you.  Maybe you can give me your address and I can courier it to you?

From: Bao Li <bao@li-mail.ca>
Sent: Sunday, March 24, 2019 5:53 AM
To: jezebel1490@hotmail.com
Subject: Because reasons… 

I’m really sorry for just walking out like that.  It’s not like me but at the time I didn’t know what else to do.  In hindsight, I probably could’ve handled it differently.  You know I’m not good at expressing what I’m feeling but I was frustrated that you barely said anything to me in the 5 hours I was there.  I was half way out the door before you said anything.  You didn’t look happy that I was there so I left believing you’ll be happier.

I don’t know what’s going on but it’s like we grew apart in the past year and half.  You hardly ever seem happy anymore when I’m around.  You used to greet me with a smile when I show up and hug me hard when I leave.  Now it’s like you’d rather watch your videos and text other people.  I don’t think I’ve seen you happy since that haunted house in Portland and I haven’t heard you really laugh since we discovered “Fie”, the kind of laugh that makes you snort.

Sometimes I feel that you’re trying to push me away.  We haven’t done New Years in 2 years (There was two bottles of champagne until I drank one recently) and you’ve been canceling on me a lot lately.  From what you tell me, you also do things that we used to do with other people like go to haunted houses and musicals.  It makes me feel like you don’t enjoy doing those things with me anymore.

I put a lot of time and effort into our friendship and lately all I get in return is complaints, criticisms and broken promises.  My mom never got her cupcakes, you never took me out for dinner for building you your trunk.  You tell me I should save my Alaska points for when we go to NY and that I should learn to swim for when we go back to Hawaii.  I don’t know why you would tell me these things when you don’t want to go to NY and you never want to go back to Hawaii.  Feels like nothing I do puts a smile on your face anymore.

All that was going through my head before I walked out.  If you’re not happy when I’m around then I can only guess that I’m the reason why you’re not.  If I’m wrong and you still want me around, you need to tell me what’s bugging you because I’m just going keep thinking it’s me.

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